Halloween Fun

Halloween - Funny Rules to Keep You Safe in 2011

2011-10-11T10:08:00.000-04:00

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember the 20 simple rules below to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints each and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them,so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER go off alone – pair up!
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in
Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old
house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

Best Collection of Halloween Riddles and Jokes

2010-09-06T11:45:00.000-04:00

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!
Q. What is a mummy's favourite type of music?
A. Rap music.
Q. Where do baby ghosts go when their mom goes to work?
A. A scare centre!
Q. What is a skeleton's favourite instrument?
A. The trombone.
Q. Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
A. MaliBOO!
Q. Why didn't Dracula have any friends?
A. He was a pain in the neck!
Q. What does a bird say at Halloween?
A. "Twick or tweet."
Q. What does a panda ghost eat?
A. Bam-BOO!
Q. What do you call a skeleton that lies on its grave?
A. Lazy bones!
Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. "Is that you coffin?" (coughing)
Q. Who did Dracula bring to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
Q. What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
A. A nectarine.
Q. What did the mummy ghost say to the noisy young ghost who kept interrupting?
A. "Spook when you're spooken to."
Q. What kind of mail does a superstar vampire get?
A. Fang mail.
Q. What is the problem with two twin witches?
A. You never know which witch is which!
Q. Where did the ghosts go for vacation?
A. Mali-BOO.
Q. What pants do ghosts wear?
A. BOO jeans.
Q. What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A. A chicken sand witch.
Q. What does a ghost call his mom and dad?
A. His transparents.
Q. What did the skeleton order with his drink?
A. A mop.
Q. Who won the zombie war?
A. Nobody, it was dead even.
Q. Where did the ghost go on vacation?
A. The BOO-hamas!
Q. Why did Dracula go to the library?
A. He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
Q. How do phantoms travel?
A. Ghost to ghost.
Q. What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?
A. A wide scream TV.
Q. What did the witch say when she fell in the moat?
A. "My eels are killing me!"
Q. What do you call candy corn?
A. Pumpkin poop!
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mummy?
A. Either a flying bandage or a gift wrapped bat!
Q. What school subject is a witch good at?
A. Spelling.
Q. What did the ghosts eat for dinner?
A. Spoke!
Q. What did the pumpkin need for its boo boo?
A. A pumpkin patch.
Q. Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
A. Because you can see right through him.
Q. What do you call a witch at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.
Q. Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he didn't have the guts.
Q. Why did the skeleton go scuba diving?
A. Because he wanted to get some muscles!
Q. Why did the vampire give up acting?
A. Because he couldn't find a part he could sink his teeth into.
Q. Why was the skeleton scared to cross the road?
A. Because there was a dog on the other side.
Q. What do skeletons say before they start to eat?
A. Bone appetite.
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I scream.
Q. What monster wears the most clothes?
A. A werewolf!
Q. How do you make a witch itch?
A. Take away her W.
Q. What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
A. "Watch the board and I'll go through it again."
Q. Why didn't the skeleton want to go to the dance?
A. Because he had no body to go with.
Q. Why did the skeleton stand in the corner during his prom?
A. Because he had no body to dance with!
Q. What is a witch's favourite food?
A. Goulash.
Q. Why was the little ghost crying?
A. Because he wanted his mummy.
Q. What did the jack-o'-lantern say to the other jack-o'-lantern when they were on their way to a Halloween party?
A. "Let's get glowing."
Q. What do you get when you cross a mummy with a vampire bat?
A. A flying Band-Aid.
Q. Why do witches fly around on broomsticks?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Q. What do you do when you see a ghost?
A. Run away of course!
Q. Where does a vampire keep his money?
A. In a blood bank.
Q. What do you call a vampire 200 miles from a blood bank?
A. A cab.
Q. Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A. They have no organs.
Q. What kind of dog does a vampire have?
A. A bloodhound.
Q. What do you get when you cross a ghost, a dog and a rooster?
A. A cockatoo!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Long time no see."
Q. What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth cleaned?
A. The dentist.
Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
A. Ghoul-aid!
Q.
Q. What do you call a mummy eating in bed?
A. A crummy mummy.
Q. Where do you go when a ghost is chasing you?
A. To the living room!
Q. What is a skeleton's favourite drink?
A. Milk, it's white and good for your bones.
Q. When do vampires like horse racing?
A. When it's neck and neck!
A. What do you get when you cross a ghost and a goblin?
Q. I don't know, but it doesn't sound good to me!
Q. What do you call a fat vampire slayer?
A. Puffy!
Q. Why did the Cyclops close his school?
A. Because he only had one pupil.
Q. Why didn't the ghost go boo?
A. Because it had no guts.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. What do you call two witches who share a broom?
A. Broom mates.
Q. What do you call two witches that live together?
A. Broom mates.
Q. What do you call a nervous witch?
A. A twitch.
Q. What do you call ghosts that ring doorbells?
A. Dead ringers.
Q. What does a ghost keep in its stable?
A. Nightmares.
Q. How do ghosts like their eggs?
A. Terror-fried.
Q. How was Frankenstien's birth?
A. Shocking.
Q. Why can't you tell a skeleton a secret?
A. Because it goes in one ear and out the other.
Q. What do you call a dead person in the closet?
A. The 1966 hide-and-go-seek champion.
Q. What kind of streets do zombies live on?
A. Dead-ends.
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q. What kind of candy won't a ghost touch?
A. Life Savers.
Q. What happens when a ghost haunts a theatre?
A. The actors get stage fright.
Q. What song do vampires hate?
A. "You are my sunshine!"
Q. What did the little ghost say to his mom?
A. "I've got a boo boo."
Q. What is a ghost's favourite ride?
A. A roller-ghoster.
Q. What do witches call for in a hotel room?
A. Broom service.
Q. What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a famous detective?
A. Sherlock Bones!
Q. What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A. A plumpkin!
Q. How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A. Tickle its funnybone!
Q. What is worse than being a three hundred pound witch?
A. Being her broom.
Q. What do vampires never order at a cafe?
A. A STAKE sandwich!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. "Do you believe in people?!"
Q. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld Fang Syne!
Q. Where do ghosts get their mail?
A. At the ghost office.
Q. What do skeletons say at the front door?
A. "Crick or creak!"
Q. What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
A. Any old girl he can dig up.
Q. Why was the big hairy , two-headed monster top of the class in school?
A. Because two heads are better than one.
Q. Frankenstein and Dracula had a match. Who won?
A. Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks!
Q. What do you get when you cross a moose and a ghost?
A. A cariboo!
Q. Why doesn't a witch wear a flat hat?
A. Because there's no point in it!
Q. What do monsters order in fast food restaurants?
A. French FRIGHTS!
Q. Why don't you eat ghosts?
A. They'll go right through you.
Q. What games do bats like to play on Halloween?
A. Anything with a ball.
Q. What do you read on Halloween?
A. BOO-ks
Q. Why can't Dracula play baseball?
A. He lost his bat.

Knock, Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?Wolves say
Wolves say who?
Wolves say Happy HOWL-oween!
Knock, knock
Who's there?Boo!
Boo who?
No, no, don't cry! I was just kidding.
Knock, knock
Who's there? Ivana
Ivana who?Ivana suck your blood.
Knock, knock
Who's there?Frank
Frank who? Frankenstein!
Knock, knock
Who's there?Orange
Orange who?Orange you glad it's Halloween.

Jokes

Monster: It is a very hot day today!
Witch: So, can I make you a lemonade?
Monster: Yes!
Witch: Poof! You're lemonade!
Patty came up to a boy with a sheet over his head on Halloween and asked, "Are you a ghost?"
The boy replied, "No, of course not! I'm an unmade bed!"
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I'm going to need a beer and a mop."
A guy named Billie Bob Joe goes to a costume dress party with a girl on his back.
Harold, answering the door: What are you supposed to be?
Billie Bob Joe: A turtle.
Harold: What do you mean?
Billie Bob Joe: The girl on my back is Michelle.

Maxine and Halloween

2010-07-22T07:47:00.002-04:00

Best Coffin Joke Ever

2010-07-13T18:01:00.000-04:00

A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.

It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin.

No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street behind him.

The man is scared. He's sure it's following him! In an effort to shake it off, her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the faster the coffin bounces along behind him!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It's right behind him!!!

Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after him.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief but ...

clappity BUMP...

clappity BUMP...

clappity BUMP...

The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door when ...

CRASH!!!

The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!

What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.

Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and

...........

...........

(Wait for it)

...........

...........

..........finally the coffin stops!!

Best Witch Jokes

2010-07-13T17:57:00.000-04:00

Do witches stay home on weekends?
    No. They go away for a spell

    How do you make a witch scratch?
    Take away her "W"

    When a witch lands, where does she park?
    In a broom closet.

    What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
    She flies off the handle.

    What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
    You hear the broom boom.

    What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
    She got spaced out

    Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
    "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

    How does a witch tell time?
    She looks at her witch watch.

    Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
    They're afraid of flying off the handle!

    What do witches use on their hair?
    Scare spray

    Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
    Their bats flew away

    What would you find on a haunted beach?
    A sand witch.

    What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
    You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

    What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween?
    They practice pitchcraft.

    What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
    Spelling!

Purrrrrfect Halloween - Animation

2010-05-03T20:44:00.001-04:00

Sexy Halloween Witch - Animation

2010-05-03T19:14:00.003-04:00

Halloween Animations Free

2010-03-11T14:44:00.003-05:00

Spooky Pictures

2010-03-11T13:43:00.016-05:00